notes to myself: Thu 10/11/07

When I started this blog, I PROMISED that I'd put myself "out there" for you and share raw emotion. In an attempt to do so, I'd like to post a journal entry I wrote a few days after Nils proposed (below). Just a note before you dive in: I kept our engagement secret for a few days after it happened. I knew I'd see my parents for my birthday and wanted to tell them in person, so from 10/7 until 10/11, mum was the word. I even went so far as to wear my ring on my right hand, flipped over, while at work. May seem weird, but I really didn't want my mom to find out from my voice on the telephone. The reaction she had when she looked down at my blinge-laden finger resting on her arm a few days later was worth the wait. Also, I was not supposed to bring it up at the bar Nils runs. This is a whole different beast of a subject though that I'd like to touch upon when I start posting my entries about being the drink slinger's girlfriend. More about that to follow, but for now, I'd like to send you off into this holiday weekend with a snippet of me at my happiest and yet strangest moment.

Thu 10/11/07 ~

The first few days I think I was still in a state of shock. The revelation of what I said Yes to was settling in, but since I wasn't talking about it at all to anyone, all was festering inside. Happiness. Scared. Enamored. I would daydream about the actual proposal and it is seemed hazy and unreal. Then I'd stare down at my hidden ring in amazement that I was wearing it.

After I told the fam, relief set in and excitement began to build, especially since by telling them, everything could flow so easily now. And, they shared in my excitement and awe. Mom: I'm so happy for you, you two are one of the best couple I know. I didn't know how I'd feel, but it feels so good, I'm happy.

Now as the list of those "in the know" keeps growing in my realm, in his, it's not. And, that's also so strange. It's yet another way in which the bar has taken something away from us. Nils: Please don't come here after dinner and parade your family through, I'll eat so much shit for it. Understandable, yes. Ideal, no. Everyone at my work was insulted that I waited three days to tell them, but they understood and were excited for me. His people on the other hand sit in front of him for an entire evening and as each hour passes along with their sobriety, they would most likely talk about it and grill him all night. But, when I actually went in there for a birthday drink, coaxed by friends, I once again switched the ring to my right ring finger and slipped the diamonds underside.

The owners were there, and I felt so sneaky not saying anything. Yet, I also felt that I couldn't be myself, I had to hold back my happiness and not talk about the largest thing that's ever happened to me. I had to pretend not to be his future wife. For how long I wondered. And, what would people say when they found out how long he waited to tell them? So f-ed.

So here I sit and as it's still so new, I am giving myself time to feel what I feel naturally as a fiance. That was the gift I got for those few days when we only knew. It was us, only us. And, now that the first question people ask is whether or not we have a date, which totally baffles me, as if it's like announcing you're pregnant and the date is predetemined---I stave off the impending stress that begs to enter. Mom echoes in the background of a call with my sis that she will not let me be a bridezilla, and I agree. I can't even bring myself to get the bridal mags yet. I snuck a peek at TheKnot.com tonight and checked out the easy and fun links, like emailing myself ideas for card holders and favors, and a cup cake tree, but I can't bring myself to puruse gowns yet, or think of destinations. I need this all to be gradual. Take it all in and enjoy every moment of it. This will be our most important party. Alex suggested buying the mags together, and having a night of SATC, wine and popcorn while peaking through the mags. I'm at a place where I have great friends to share this experience with, and I hope to benefit them by throwing a hell of a bash.